a journal, a cactus and a mental health… sort of

Something I really love to buy are journals! Writing things down, planning things, it’s just a lot of fun for me. So why not use that to help me feel better. I think I counted them all, and I’m using 4 different ones XD It may sound weird, but they all have a different purpose!
One is to plan write up major things for a few weeks ahead, that way I can see that I don’t have a lot to do every day and I feel a bit less stressed. One is to plan one day ahead, my goals for that day. One is to keep track of my instagram, things I’d like to post and such, just to feel like I have something to do. And one is just to write down how I feel, what’s going on, what I think about stuff… I guess basically a diary? Almost?

I write down things I want to do, things that make me feel better. But I don’t focus on how much I then don’t do. I focus on the check marks next to the things I do. The first days there were a lot of things crossed out, and maybe one check mark. Now there are 2 – 3 check marks a day,. So I can see myself progress (I started this about a month ago, but just recently figured out what to focus on).
I write in the most simple things there too, like skincare, that’s an easy check mark. So by tracking the easy things, it makes it easier to do the hard things… Does that make sense? I stop focus on things, and they just happen to come a long and get a check mark.

Anyway, I came home with 4 new cacti today and if that doesn’t put a smile on my face, nothing will 🙂

how do you do the thing?

When you feel like nothing on your inside is funtioning, meaning mental health, how do you plan things and stick to them? It would be one thing if the days were normal and I would be going out and going places, but as things are now, it’s all about staying home/indoors and trying…

I want to do several things as they make me happy. I want to put on make up in the morning. I want to sit and admire my plants (my one fuzzy succulent has a flower, it’s so pretty!!). I want to sew. I want to do so many things. But I just can’t. I don’t know what it is that’s stopping me either. I just can’t do it. I just sit in my (very comfy) chair and look at nothing for hours at end. I hate it. I absolutely hate it! Why can’t I do things that make me happy?
Have planners/journals helped you guys in these situations? I mean, I hardly even eat if it isn’t sugary things. And I can’t actually have sugary things due to health reasons… goodness me I feel like such a mess typing this!
So… I guess I would need to plan my meals, my shoppingtrips (for food), washing my d*mn hair (seriously though, why is it so f*ing hard?), sewing, putting on makeup. I don’t have to start big… I could start with smaller things. Like, not a full face of makeup (hello summer…) but some concealer, a bit of bronzer and mascara. And smaller meals, nothing that takes hours to prepair and make, but just a bit of whatever.

I have recently bought vitamins as I am seriously lacking lots of them. I’m hoping this will make some sort of a difference. Maybe? I’ve noticed I’m less tired already, so I have a bit of hope going on there. I guess that’s a good thing. Hope – I like how it feels!

So, how do you do the thing?

Keep looking up ❤

beating depression…

… is far from easy!

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I do struggle with a depression. It’s not easy, but so far I guess I’m doing ok? Or at least from how I see it… Allthough, when I think about it… maybe not?
The smallest things are really difficult right now. Eating. Washing my hair. Getting out of bed.

I don’t really know how to explain what I feel when I wake up in the morning. It’s like I feel nothing at all. I could stay in bed all day, no preoblem what so ever! But I dont. I get up, I take my medicine, I wash up, I brush my teeth, I get dressed. I do all the things you do in the morning. And in between every step I just sit on my bed and… nothing… For several minutes I just sit there, like I’m not really there. Then I go on.
The hardest part is every other day when I need to wash my hair. I don’t know what it is but it’s slowly draining me of life. Or so it feels. Wash it, spray stuff in it, blow dry it, style it. It takes maybe 10 minutes all together, but it’s such an incredible struggle. And I don’t know why! I love my hair when it’s styled, my beautiful mowhawk. So why is this particular thing so difficult? I don’t know…

Another really difficult thing is eating during the day. I eat once, maybe twice. And it’s not a lot, not even close. There are days that I don’t eat at all, I just drink water. I hate it. I hate it so much. I mean I love food! I love to cook it, I love to smell it, I love to enjoy it! So why am I doing this? I don’t know…

I’m trying to get back in to doing my make up, because it makes me feel much better. It makes me happy. It makes me feel.  But it’s hard. If I don’t get out of bed in the morning, how am I supposed to be able to put anything on before I need to leave for whatever I need to go do? I don’t know…

I have a gorgeous, fluffy pink notebook where I write down what I need to do the next day. The are a lot of check marks, but also a lot of crossed out things. At first I just saw all the crossed out things, the things I never managed to do. The failures… But then I thought, why not look at the check marks? Look at the things I managed to do. Over time, maybe I’ll see more and more of them! When everything is a struggle, I should focus on the good things and maybe just add one more each week? Or just one more each month? Anything is a progress, no matter how small. Forward is forward, you know?

How do you handle your struggles?

Keep looking up ❤

I’m not exposed to racism, get your shit together!

As many of you know, I am extremely pale. I am the queen of paleness! Don’t worry, there are photos.

During my 37 years I have been called everything and then some. I’m ugly, I’m disgusting, I shouldn’t be allowed in public, I should kill myself etc. And then there are the looks… When you look a me, point me out to your friends and you pretend to throw up, I see you. Don’t for a second think otherwise! Year after year, summer after summer.

I have received so much hate and rudeness that there were years where I refused to leave my home if I wasn’t covered up.

I did want it to be a full body photo, but I felt like I didn’t want to blind you (see, it’s ok when I say it!) 🙂

So why am I talking about racism in the title to this post when I’m clearly white? Because the people that give me hate, and death “jokes” about the colour of my skin, are the very same people that will use me and my skin against black people and poc.
The people that hate on me are white people. Never, not once, has a black person or a person of colour said anything or looked at me with disgust.
The people that make nasty comments to me, are horrible people. But, when I tell people about what I suffer, because trust me, I suffer, they will go on about how I understand racism. They are talking about how people are being racists towards me. I tell them no, this is not racism, but apparantly, I don’t have a vocie in their eyes, they always know better! Every dang time, I tell them that what I endure is far, far from racism, but nothing. It doesn’t matter what I say, people won’t listen. They do their best to try and convince me that they’re right. I’ve said good bye to a lot of “friends” due to this. When a white person tells me they now understand racism, and that it isn’t that bad, because of what I mention, I don’t want anything to do with that person. I try to educate people, just like I educate myself. But some people are so determined to be right…

A lot of white people have, over the years, tried to belittle black people and what they go through because “it doesn’t hurt Jea that bad!” I’ve been there to hear it. I’m sick and tired of having people use my name and my person to do this! LISTEN when black people tell you how it is. LISTEN when they tell you what they go through! LISTEN when they tell you how bad it hurts! LISTEN when they talk!

I suffer. I get sad. I move away from people. That’s the result of what I get. That’s it!
I have never been denied a job because I’m pale. I have never feared for my life or safety because I’m pale. I have never been followed around in stores because I’m pale. I have never been stopped by police because I’m pale. And most importantly – I will never be murdered because I’m pale.
Laugh at me if you want. Call me names if you want. Point at me if you want. Tell me I’m disgusting if you want. Tell me I look sick if you want. But do not use me as an excuse to belittle the black experience!

Let’s put it in a way that makes it very, very clear – white people hating on white people for being too pale has nothing, zero, zilch, nada to do with racism. Clear enough?

Keep looking up ❤

Dior backstage foundation

Have you tried it? I’m 100% in love with it ❤

I love the flawless base it gives. Sure, I don’t actually have any skin concerns to begin with, but I can look patchy due to my freckles that have faded. This is very lightweight and light coverage, but it can be built up. I have on one layer in all pictures in this post, Idon’t feel like I need more.

The foundation comes in 40 shades, and a primer. I do use the primer with this and I’m not the best at reviewing primers so I’m just not gonna do that 🙂 I have the shade 0CR which is a very pale one, obviously.

My skintype is normal that can get a little bit dry. When my nose gets dry it quickly produces more oil and all foundation/make up just slides off. This one does too, but not as bad as some other foundations. I currently have the dryness under control , yay, so everything sits really nice.

I will rebuy this foundation for as long as they will sell it!

What’s your favourite foundation?

Keep looking up ❤

my favourite make up (for the moment)

I thought it would be maybe 4 or 5 items… It’s a little bit more. But to be fair, I use it pretty much all the time 🙂

Let’s just jump right in to it, first picture:

Let’s just start naming things and shades, shall we?
MAC lipglass shades Prrr and Nymphette.
Urban Decay All Nighter Setting Spray.
Maybelline instant anti-age eraser, multi-use concealer, shade 00 Ivory.
Estée Lauder Double Wear Stay-in-Place Makeup, shade 1N1 Ivory Nude.
Estée Lauder Sumptuous Extreme Mascara, shade 01 extreme black.
Dior Backstage Face & Body Primer.
Dior Backstage Face & Body foundation, shade 0CR.
Chanel creme lipstick, shade 49 Sweet Sixteen (no longer available).
MAC Love Me Lipstick, shade Laissez-Faire.
Estée Lauder Pure Color Envy Matte Lipstick, shade 330 Decisive Poppy.
MAC Viva Glam II.
Chanel Defining Longwear Eyebrow Pencil, shade blond doré.

Ok… honestly… the foundation from Estée Lauder is a liiiitle too dark for me… But with like a scarf around my neck or something, I can make it work 😉
And that eyebrow pencil is unlike anything I have ever tried. I got it at  ver discounted price (directly from Chanel), but honestly, it’s 100% worth the price! The price that I actually can’t afford so this will just have to last forever!

Second picture:

Eyeshadows:
Estée Lauder by Violette.
Marc Jacobs 840 Elec-trick.
Bronzers:
Dior Terra Bella sunpowder (no longer available). (Squared, almost empty, one.)
Dior Diorskin Mineral Nude Bronze, shade 02. (Round one.)
Blushes:
Chanel Blush duo tweed effect, shade 10 tweed pink. (Small pink one.)
Estée Lauder Pure Color Envy, shade 320 Lover’s Blush. (Squared one.)
Setting powder:
Laura Mercier Translucent Loose Setting powder. (One with lid on.)
Highlighter:
Dior Diorskin Nude Luminizer, shade 02. (Round one.)

The Marc Jacobs eyeshadow palette was on sale at Sephora or there is no way I would have been able to get it. Quite a price… but oh my what quality!

The combination of Urban Decay All Nighter and the Laura Mercier setting powder are the biggest win in my life right now, absolutely fabulous result! And don’t get me started on th blush by Chanel. It’s a very, very suttle shine and colour to it, but it gives such a healthy and amazing look to my pale skin.

As you may have noticed there are quite a few high end products. I do lean more towards that because of the quality. You need such a tiny amount and it will last for so long. Obviously there’s nothing wrong with drugstore options, there are many quality products there!

What are your makeup favourites at the moment?

Keep looking up ❤

I love my body, I always will!

But I still both want and need to change it a bit. Why? Because I’m not happy, and it’s not happy.

We only have one body and it’s going to be with us for a, hopefully, long time. I’m going to help it feel good and stay strong, to the very best of my ability.
Growing up I was really skinny, my BMI was about 14. I was healthy, I just ate very little, that and genes. Then as I got older, my thyroid started to get messed up. I gained a lot of weight in a very short time. Suddenly, I was overweigth. I have been called every name in the book, both when I was skinny and when I was/now am overweight.

It’s been a rollercoaster of a ride for quite a few years now with my weight. I don’t really care that I’m overweight, I’m still me. But I want to give me the best body I can. And my best body isn’t one that is in a bad state. Also, yes, I want to be able to buy whatever clothes I want, because I can’t right now.

These are my “feel good jeans”. Because I feel good when I’m wearing them. Well, not in this picture 😉
Once a month I will try them on to see where my body is and what’s happening. I think it’s a great way of seeing how my body is reacting to my walks and the food I’m eating (I’m eating darn healthy, let me tell ya!). Right now I feel like I’m doing almost everything I can. I really want to go back to the gym. Then, things would be great!

How do you feel about your body?

Keep looking up ❤

to vacuum or not to vacuum…

Living with a chronic illness often mean you have to plan everything. Everything, and then everything that may happen from that everything. And from that everything… It gets frustrating at times.

My illness is POTS – meaning my autonomic nervous system doesn’t function properly.

I can’t do what everyone else can in a day. Growing up, my mum cleaned our entire, 3 bedroom, home every thursday right after a full day of work. As an adult I thought this was great, one day and then you hardly have to think about cleaning for another week. So I started the same… but oh my… my body was not having it! It just went berserk with pretty much every symptom I have from my POTS. Getting a heart rate of about 200 was by far the worst!
It took years before I got diagnosed, so I just assumed I was lazy or something. That’s what people called me…

I do a little every day. The most important thing is to always, always, always pick up after yourself. I mean, this is pretty obvious to most people, but when you can hardly sit up without fainting, it’s easy to think “I’ll grab it tomorrow” and then the next day is a bad day, and so it goes on. It’s very easy for things to get out of hand when you have no energy for more than maybe eating.
When I had good days, I tried to make my body feel like the normal thing is to do a little bit every day. That way it wouldn’t be as hard on bad days because my body is used to doing it. You know how I mean?
You’ll be more carefull on what you bring around in the house/flat, and where you put things down.

Doing a little every day is fine these days, with a tone of medication I’m doing better than I used to. A bit of dusting, some dishes (I live alone, so not much of that), just small things.
It’s the bigger things that are hard. Mostly vacuuming… For some reason this gets mme more than anything else. I’m dripping in sweat within a minute. I get dizzy within two. I feel like I’m about to fall over in three. Pro tip, sit on a skateboard, or a chair with wheels if you have one, and just move around that way. It’ll help 🙂
On really bad days I’ll just wait. That dust ain’t going nowhere! On semi bad days I can sweep the floor if it needs to or it can’t wait. I’ll vacuum on good days. I really should just do one room/time, but I would be vacuuming most of the week and no thank you. I’ll drink a bucket full of water, eat spoonfull of salts and drench myself in caffeine (I am of course exaggerating slightly here), then I’ll get started. Thank goodness I don’t live in a bigger place!

Cleaning up/vacuuming needs to be planned o days that I’m not doing much, and before days that I’m not doing much. Last minute things can be difficult. I mean, what do I answer, “no I can’t see you today because I vacuumed yesterday”? People will think you don’t want them in your life!

Anyway… I needed to vent about that 🙂

Keep looking up ❤

bodyodyody self care

I love creams and lotions and soft skin! Who doesn’t?

Lately I’ve been buying more and more products from the swedish company MON|SUN. All of their products have really wonderful scents, and me being as sensitive as I am to products with that was a bit afraid at first. But it turns out I do not get a migraine from their products! That’s a first for me, every single prodyct, for my body, that I have tried havve ended quite painfully… So, yeah, I started to buy more and more… and more! And more is coming!

Let’s go from left to right, big tubes first:
– Dreamy Tones, calming oats, Figs & White Florals.
Decolletage cream – “This silky formula enriched with prebiotics and softening Allantoin keeps your neck and decolletage smooth and toned. For a skin in need of care and for a silky soft feeling.”
– Sundown Booster, mineral & moist, Crushed Citrus & Crisp Grass.
Overnight body treatment – “The ultimate moisture booster featuring four types of hyaluronic acid that keep the skin hydrated while improving moisture enhancement. Say good morning to hydrated and supple skin.”
– All Time Healer, calming oats, Figs & White Florals.
Multi cream – The companion you can always rely on. A comforting thick texture that sooths and restores moisture to dry, rough and cracked skin.”
– After Hour Moist, vitamin & oil, Deep Woods & Burnt Herbs.
Body lotion – “A rich restoring lotion infused with vitamins and oils, leaving your skin silky smooth on your well deserved days off.”

Small tubes:
– Daily Savior, detox & antioxidant, Light Rain on Mint Leaves.
Hand balm – “The ultimate on-the-go companion with pollution protective seaweed and antioxidants. Enriched with moisturising oil for supple hands.”
– Velvety Weekdays, calming oats, Figs & White Florals.
Hand balm – “The perfect little companion for velvety soft hands wherever, whenever. Enriched with calming oats for smooth hands all day long.”
– Daily Savior, mineral & moist, Crushed Citrus & Crisp Grass.
Hand balm – “A friend for your hands to count on all day, everyday. Boost with hyaluronic acid and minerals for your hydrated hands.”

All of their products are 100% vegan!

I have more of their products, but these are the ones that I have tested for long enough to recommend them so far. I really love the scents, and I absolutely love how they do what they promise! My skin is so smooth I couldn’t believe it. I have such dry skin, it’s not even funny… And very important to mention is the fact that the products sink in to my skin really quickly. It’s not ike you have to sit and wait for (at least) 30 minutes before you can touch something after putting on the hand balm. Love it!

I’ll do a seperate post on products for in the shower and for feet (oooh, for the feet… the love I feel!) later on.

What’s your favourite skincare brand for the body?

Keep looking up ❤

these boots were made for walking

It’s been a  while since I went for a longer walk, but I’m back at it! People are refusing to keep a distance and everywhere I went, I had to basically jump from side to side all the time. It got exhausting!! In Sweden you’re supposed to walk on the left side unless there are markings saying otherwise, but people don’t care. But come one, it would make things so much easier these days 🙂

During this week we finally figured out where we could walk, where there’s close to no people at all. So yes, back to walking again, and I’m so happy!

We don’t go in to Pildamsparken (where the above picture is from) these days, it’s too full of people. But we do come close to it. It’s the most boring walk you can imagine, nothing happens until we pass a shoppingmall and Burger King. But you know, we just keep walking. And then nothing happens again until we get home. It’s just car after car passing us by. But I’m 100% fine with it at the moment.

I’ve decided to keep track of all my walks every week, so on sunday I can have a look back on the week. This week was only friday, saturday and today, but 14,73km is absolutely fine. Not to mention 4.06 hours in three days, I’m good with that. I usually like my walks to be a bit longer, but I’ll live 😉 You can always walk i twice!

I have always loved to go for walks. When I got a wheelchair in august of 2018 I was really happy because I needed it, but I was crushed that I couldn’t go for walks again. Sure, I could go out in my wheelchair, but it just isn’t the same.
Since 7 january of this year, I no longer use a wheelchair and I absolutely love walking and walking and walking and… I’ve even been out walking in rain, I never used to do that XD

For me, walking is the best thing for my mental wellbeing, closely followed by strength training. To just go out and let the day clear my mind is something so wonderful. After a while I forget andything that worries me and just helps to keep me calm.

Do you keep a distance while outdoors?

Keep looking up ❤