I hate that I hate it

You know what I really hate? I mean really hate?

Hate. I can’t stand it. I hate it. And I hate that I hate it! I don’t want to hate…

I’m not trying to sound all… I don’t know… like I’m better than anyone else, but hate is a feeling that I try to eliminate from my life.

When I was a kid, my (maternal) grandfather was my hero. He passed away from cancer 1995, but you know what… he’s still my hero ❤
He always said that hate was a feeling that just wasn’t worth it. And he was right.

We get absolutely nothing from hating someone or something. No, that’s not entirely true. We get a bad mood. We get a frown on our face. We get irritated. We actually get a lot of things from it.
But none of those things are good things. So I don’t want it!

Why do we waste so much on a feeling that isn’t actually good for us? Why is it so hard to just let go of things or people that give us this feeling?

Since my grandfather (‘moffor’ in his mothers swedish) said that hate just isn’t worth it, I started working really hard on letting things go. I’m not saying it’s easy… But you know what? It’s so worth it!

What is the one thing you wish you could stop hating?

Keep looking up ❤

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concrete trains and lipbalm!

It’s a bit strange when you go to the Malmö Festival, and the only thing you come home thinking is “those conctrete trains were fun!”

These concrete protection lumps are a bit nicer than the others 🙂

I haven’t been to the festival in a few years, I think I may have glanced at the food, but it’s way too expensive! All in all, I jut don’t like the festival, so it hasn’t bothered me that I haven’t been able to go.
But this year, I got a wheelchair, so I could. So I went. It was just as boring, and sad, and expensive as always. But I could go 🙂

I really like this Clinique pep-start pout perfecting balm. It gives a nice shine to your lips, and your lips feel a-ma-zing! Soft and perfect!

It’s a bit pricey, but not too bad, it lasts longer than regular lipbalm so I’m OK with it. Also, it’s way, way better than regular lipbalm in my opinion.

What’s your favourite, yearly, thing that happens in your city/town?

Keep looking up ❤

when life hand you lemons, drink orange juice!

People tend to be confused as to why a person that can move their legs is in a wheelchair. One woman looked like her eyes would pop out when she saw me moving my legs while I was sitting in the chair (I was on the bus).

There are more reasons to use a wheelchair than having, for example, a spinalcord injury. To assume that a person in a wheelchair is faking it, or whatever, because they can move their legs is unbelieveably rude. To tell someone that they don’t need it, because they can walk, is just as rude.

As I have written before, I have POTS = my autonomic nervous system (ANS) doesn’t function as it should.
When I lay down, I don’t have any problems. When I sit up, my blood pressure drops a bit and my pulse goes up. (I’m on medication for the last one.) When I stand, my ANS doesn’t want to cooperate at all.

When I stand – I have problems breathing. My heart rate will go up to between 120 – 250 beats/minute. My blood pressure will drop. I faint. I fall over. I can’t eat. I have problems seeing. I have problems hearing. I can’t focus. I can’t talk properly. I have no energy. I sleep most of the day (once I’m home again). I’m extremely limited in what jobs I can apply for. I can’t stand in line at the store. I can’t stand on the bus. I can’t stand, waiting for the bus (and most benches are covered in bird poop…). I can’t cary things.
There are so many more things I can list here. Everything that the ANS is in charge of, can be affected, and the ANS has a “finger” in everything in your body.

I have been outside 3 days in a row since I got the wheelchair! That hasn’t happened since… I don’t even remember!!

I knew my POTS made me really ill, but I had no idea how much until now.
This is the first time I have felt like myself, felt like a human, since 2004! Think about that, 14 years…

I can do anything! Or so it feels right now 🙂
I can go on the bus, I can go to the store, I can talk properly, I can think, I can focus. I CAN REMEMBER! I have filmed myself locking the door for the longest time now, because as soon as I’ve left the building, I couldn’t remember if I had…

Right now, everything is all about “I can!”

This wheelchair gave me my life back!
Without it, I would still be forced to stay at home. Always…

Keep looking up ❤

5 shades of red

I bought my first red lipstick in 2004, a beautiful one from Chanel. Now… I know you’re supposed to throw it away after 18 months (it says so on the bottom), but I may still have it… 🙂

I love it so, so much. The smell, the look, the feeling of it on my lips…

Chanel #49, Sweet Sixteen.

  

It is a little darker than what it looks like on me. When I bought it I thought it was such a huge deal because it was super dark red… Yeah, things have changed since then 😉

The second red lipstick I bought was also from Chanel.

Chanel # 26, Matador.

This one is super red, and it does sparkle a tiny bit. I just love the smell of this one, and it’s the smoothest thing I have ever felt on my lips! The only downside with this is the need for a lipliner, it does smudge without one.

  

Two things that are great with this one is 1) your lips look a bit bigger, and 2) if you have a warmer shade on your teeth, they will look whiter!

The red one I use the most is this next one from Dior. Dior #578, Diorkiss.

The above photo of it is is pretty close to the exact shade of it, then it is a bit paler on the lips. It can look a bit pink (as you can see below).

  

I like how this one feels like a lipbalm. It’s so gorgeous on. But the downside is that it doesn’t just feel like a lipbalm, it does act a bit like one. You have to put more on all the time… With the price for it, and how much you actually have to use, not really sure it’s worth it. But then again… it does feel amazing on the lips!

Then we have the cheapest of them all, a matte lipstick crayon from Primark.

Primark, Fever.

I have never had this shade of red before, so for about 4 euros, I had to try it. I’m still not sure how I like the feel of it, but it is super easy to apply. It smeels a bit like vanilla, a bit sweet, it’s lovely actually!

  

Since this is one of the shades that you always see on TV when someone is super sexy, like in all the classics, I tried to do a super sexy face. Yeah, being sexy isn’t really in my repertoar 😛 So you get these, I like these photos better!

And the last one, the latest one, the Clinique one!

Clinique #05 Graffiti Pop.

What I love most about the Pop lipsticks is how easy they are to apply. And that they stay. You put it on in the morning, and maybe, just maybe, you need to put on some more during the afternoon. I just love it!

When looking at it, there is a hint of purple in it. It doesn’t show on the lips, except for on photos, of course 🙂

  

I dont know why the purple come out like that in photos, but when you see me with it, it looks like the red that it is 🙂

I love Clinique because everything is scent free, I can get really bad migranes from make up, so I know I don’t have to try everything from Clinique before I buy it, I can just get it.
Their quality is amazing, and it last for a really long time, so worth the money!

The next lipstick post will be purple. I have Estée Lauder, Clinique and Primark in purple. They are all unbelieveable. I wish I had started with purple lipstick of these shades (darker) a long time ago!

I’m not sure if I will have time to post that one in the middle of the week, it may have to be on saturday, they 18th. We’ll see.

What’s your favourite brand when buying lipsticks? And why?

Keep looking up ❤

the difference a comment can make

So many feelings today… Good and bad.

Yesterday I was told that my temporary wheelchair would arrive next week, then we have to wait and see how long it will take before I get my own. And then this morning, the people with it called. They were going to be in my area sometime after noon, and could deliver it!
Shortly after that, the physio terapeut called and said he would stop by at 14.30 to set it up so I could use it.
And now, you may call me Hot Wheels 😉

It’s not one of the “pretty ones”, it’s just so I can get around until I get mine, so I don’t care 🙂

During the day, my mum told someone about the wheelchair. Someone who is very… ignorant. I think that’s the kindest way to talk about this person.
And that was it. The first encounter with prejudice… Feeling sorry for me. Saying there has to be a better thing for me. Basically, that I will have no life. This person didn’t say directly that it was my own fault, but when saying “well, if you had only believed in the green” that is what they’re saying… I eat a lot of veggies. I love veggies, not just for how they taste, but the fresh feeling of them. But the assumption is that I sit on my a** eating anything with sugar. (This person doesn’t actually know anything about me, but has decided on who I am and what I do anyway. And yes, it’s a relative…)

Then I started thinking, and you know that’s never a good thing 😉

That’s what I have to face now.
“Oh no, what happened to you!”
“But you will get better, right!?”
“Are you forced to that thing forever?”
“What a nightmare!”
We all know that these comments always end with “I’m so sorry for you!”
And then all those “do this and you will get better” comments. Well, those are already everywhere…

The emotions started bad, because this is what I will face now. For some time.
Then I realized something. I always say that people without disabilities don’t know how good things are from them. And it’s true. When they say things like what I wrote above, they say it from their point of view.
For them, it’s a worst case scenario. Beeing “forced” to use a wheelchair is something from nightmares to them.
I won’t get angry at anyone for thinking that.
I will, however, ask those that I can to think about what they are saying.
Why is it a bad thing to use a wheelchair?
Why is it a bad thing that people get help?

The things people say, why do they choose those words?
On a Facebook-group about POTS, I shared that I was getting a wheelchair. Below are some of the comments I got there. Have a look and see if you can spot the difference:
“Oh my god, I’m so happy for you!”
“Oh wow, you will get your life back!”
“I’m so happy you can go outside and do whatever you want now!”
“I love that we live in a country where we can get this help for free!”

All of the comments were filled with kindness, happiness and love.

So here’s what I’m wondering right now:
Why do people not think their comments trough? Is it really the best, or the kindest, thing to tell someone that their life is the stuff of a nightmares?

Here’s what a wheelchair mean to me:
– I can go to the bus without wondering if I will faint.
– I can go to the store without sitting down for and hour (outside the store) afterwards before I’m physically able to get home.
– I can take part of things happening in the city.
– I CAN GO TO A CONCERT AGAIN!
– I don’t have to injure myself falling down anymore.
– I can go grocery shopping by myself again.
– I can apply for jobs that I have not been able to do all my life!
– I can go to the beach!
– I can go for “walks” again. (I have always been very active, I used to go for a 2,5 metric mile walk every now and then! I can go to all the places I used to!)

So I ask everyone, does that sound like the stuff of nightmares?

Keep looking up ❤

(I don’t get sad or anything from people asking rude quesitons or make rude remarks. Not anymore. But that doesn’t mean the rude questions and remarks are OK.)

good things CAN happen!

You know when you’re down, feeling overwhelmingly sad, and everything looks as dark as you could ever imagine it to be? And then something happens, something so wonderful, and all the darkness, and all the sadness goes away.
That’s where I am at right now, and I love this feeling!

As I wrote in ‘a new beginning for me‘, I was on the path of getting a wheelchair. That was 6 days ago.
Yesterday, I finally spoke to the woman I thought would make that happen, ut nope… She only dealt with electrical wheelchairs, not the manual ones (great technical language here, right? 🙂 ). She told me to call the city of Malmö and ask them for the number to their physio therapeut. I did, I left a message. Today, he called back.

I explained the situation, what POTS is and what it does to me. His answer? OK, well let’s get you a wheelchair!

Within an hour, he was here, at my home! Getting a custom wheelchair (!) will take some time, but he said that since it’s a bit urgent for me, I will get one next week to borrow until I get mine!

It is just too amazing!!!

I was crying and shaking from happiness. My entire life is coming back to me! Not only that, I can apply for so many more jobs than I can without one. I can even try to get a job in a shop! That would be lovely 🙂

I can’t wait!

Keep looking up ❤

for the love of lipstick

Yesterday, I counted how many lipsticks I have. A full 21!

I still want more (who doesn’t?), and I thought I would share them with you. In a completely digital-here-are-some-photos-you-can-look-at way 🙂

  

Before putting on make up, I used:

Clinique, all about eyes serum – de-puffing eye massage (roll on).
Clinique, Moisture surge, extended thirst relief.

Then I have used:
Concealer – FITme! by Maybelline, #15.
Eyeliner on the waterline – IsaDora, #56 Blonde.
Brow powder – Anastasia, Taupe (only the lightest shade).
Eyeshadow – The Nudes by Maybelline & Urban Light by Maybelline.
Powder – FITme! by Maybelline, #4.
Highliter – Urban Light by Maybelline.
Eyeliner – Pretty easy by Clinique, #01.

Mascara – STAR WARS, The Force Awakens, false lash effect by MaxFactor.

  

The mascara is amazing! The brush feels a bit like a comb, but goodness me the result! I love it!

Lipstick – STAR WARS, The Force Awakens by MaxFactor, #40.

 

Now, I have a grey lipstick. And grey is almost silver, so I figured I would add it here.

I don’t use the grey as grey, but I thought I would show it to you anyway 🙂
Normally, I add a tiny, tiny bit over another lipstick, pink is perfect, and blend it out a bit. It creates a whole new look. And trust me, it doesn’t look grey!

Dior, #207.

Even if I wanted to use it on its own it wouldn’t look good, it doesn’t really stay. It smudges and feel a bit like a creamy powder at times.

Next colour lipstick I will show you will be… red! I think I have 4 different red ones, Chanel, Chanel, Primark and Clinique.
I’m thinking this weekend? I’m not promising anything, but probably this weekend 🙂