conflicted…

That’s how I feel today. I ate way, way too much today. But, I only ate once… So did I overeat? Or… I had 3 portions of my favourite food, Karlssons frestelse (basically potatoes, minced meat and cream thrown in the oven).

It’s so friggin GOOD! It’s not often at all that I eat it, becuase I know I can’t resist taking more and more. Today, my younger brother and I were having dinner at my mums, and this is what we had. I knew I was going to eat way too muhc, so I didn’t eat before I left home. I think if you look at the day from morning ’til now, it’s not bad. But then I ended up with chocolate after…

I’m not saying I failed. Not for eating too much once. I’m thinking I need to figure shit out for my own benefit.
I do believe the whole eat-as-much-as-possible stems from my childhood. Most of the time when my (very neglectful) dad was home with me and my younger brother, and our mum was at work, he wouldn’t make us food. Sometimes yes, but it was very rare. So I would go all day, several days a week, with no food. There were sandwiches that I made sure my younger brother had, so he wouldn’t go hungry. Our dad ate the rest… I only got food when my mum was home.
I didn’t eat very quickly and my dad almost inhaled his food, so if I wasn’t done when he left the table, no more food.
(My dad died last november, on my birthday…… so my mum is finally free now. No more abuse, mental or physical!! Just wanted to add that for those worried for my mum.)

So, if I look at calories, how much do I think I ate? Roughly? My guess is somewhere around 1900 calories. Well, when I see it like that it’s not so bad, is it? This includes everything I had today.
I don’t think it would hit me this hard if I didn’t a) have a history of ED and b) will weigh myself tomorrow. (The ED stuff can be a story for a future post. It wasn’t too bad if you compare to others, but it was there.)

You know what… after writing this, I don’t feel as bad for what I had today. I don’t feel good, but I felt way worse before I started typing.
Tomorrow I’ll go for a walk again. I’ll share a Coca Cola when I’m at Mobilia (a shopping center) and then “just” food and maybe an apple or two. Oooh, I wonder if they have plums at the store… Strawberries would be nice, but they’re expensive as… welll, you know. Ok, now I’m just writing because I don’t have anything else to do.

How was your sunday?

❤